Thursday, December 22, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
Okay, I just sorta had an extended lunch with some co-workers that I normally don't go out with, and it was really fun. Once in a while it's totally eye-opening and rejuvinating to hang witha diffrent crowd.
So as I was sitting there though I was thinking about my last post....You know the one from a few hours ago....and realized something: Sometimes, I can be such a frickin panzy ass.
I'm not gonna delete it, though it did cross my mind. Sometimes I wonder where my mind is when I write stuff. It's all true, but dang I sound little like a little baby at times. Here, trying to analyze myself...grasping at straws and trying to explain stuff. Hell, I have no idea what I'm talking about or how I even got on that last tangent. Probably because I feel some guilt for lying low the last few weeks and I'm all trying to impress you for some reason.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate each and everyone of you stopping by. I have made some decent friends here, but Geezuz, I've been a bitchy little whiny ass. So cut me some slack if I ramble incoherently at times. I have a tendancy to do that.
Here are the facts:
- I've recently had a tough time emotionally.
- I more or less quit drinking and sometimes I really miss it, other times I don't at all.
- I'm in a physical relationship. Period. And I don't know exactly what I really do want as far as a 'real' relationship goes anymore.
- I'm feeling very 'randy' right now, and would really like to bend someone over. Takers?
So I need to lighten up a bit.
I sort of had an ephiany last night while somewhat arguing with Stephanie. I really don't hold her 100% responsible for are 'tiff', but she did kinda egg me on a bit. I was minding my own business being very quiet and she asked me what was wrong....it wasn't her, but a few of her friends I find highly annoying or at least rude.
It could have been the fact, and I told Stef this, that I forgotten to take any medication yesterday, and I also hadn't had any dinner, and it was a long day. Long story short, I find some of her friends think that they are the 'center of the universe' and somewaht ignorant that others are around them when they open their mouths. Problem is, Stef was a little perturbed by my answer though I gave a few examples and began to defend them. Okay, fine. No big deal......but the problem is I was minding my own business and you asked. So I told the truth and you didn't liek my answer. Well, if you don't want to hear it, then don't ask. Then don't tell me it's no big deal and proceed to re-question me every few minutes and then again tell me 'no biggie.' Apprantly it is a 'biggie' 'cause you now can't drop it.
So instead of having a great ending (dare I say of the physical nature) of an otehrwise decent evening, I left someone angry, and I really wasn't angry to begin with.
So I sat in bed last night, alone, and began thinking about the last few weeks. Sure, maybe being on an empty stomach and off my medication may have put me slightly 'on edge' last night, but a lot of crap has happened the last few weeks: a death, a new boss though CurryMan is still able to get in my way, Christmas shopping stress, extra hours at work, and no time off lately makes me burnt out.
I'm just burnt out and realized that being burnt out has had a negative effect on me. I haven't been very outgoing lately, jovial, or out right laughing. I need a little silliness in my life. I need to pick my ass of the ground, dust myself off, and get back on the horse. Not really sure what the 'horse' is though.
People say as a cliche, "It's time to turn over a new leaf". Well, I agree. It's just that I have to define where that leaf is or what it represents in my life, and then turn it over. Maybe it is there already right in front of my face and I'm blind, or maybe its yet to be discovered.
I seriously don't know.
I do know however, that I have been in a downer mood lately and recognize it and am looking for steps to improve myself. That doesn't mean I'm ready to fly down to club Hedonism anytime soon and get my groove on. My male brain though has kicked into gear regarding feeling 'naughty' again. So it was a dissapointment last night that we got into an argument where I was hoping to get me a slice of pie. My immagination runs wild with the thought of new things to do with Stef or someone else....Stef and I have a casual relationship at best. Neither one of us is prepared to consider each other boyfriend/girlfriend....more like "Friends with benefits" right now.
April calls me from time to time. We don't really talk about Stephanie, or April's dating life. Who knows....I can never say that April and I will never 're-kindle' anything. She has been nice to me lately, at least on the phone. I know this will sound like I am a pig, but I really wish at times that April would have been more sexual. She has so many other great qualities, but somewhat very 'vanilla' in the bedroom, whereas someone like Stephanie is like Rocky Road with all the trimmings, but after you indulge yourself you feel guilty or afraid what the dentist is gonna say. She's not marriage material....just fun right now, and I think she has the same perception of me....which is fine and I accept that.
Maybe I'm looking for a partner for mind-blowing sex and who also wants a relationship for the long haul and to be my best friend...I just haven't found her yet.