Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Musing. It's Wednesday and I am feeling more chatty than usual. You'd think a guy who has his health, his family, his job, his home, his mind should be in great spirits. I don't think of myself as normally depressed, like I need Zoloft or anything like that. But I also don't skip down the hallway looking at the world through rose colored glasses. So once in a while, the things we take for granted are most often the most pleasurable, and it's not until you snap out of it and take notice can you appreciate the small things.... Like a Chalupa from Taco Bell. Many times I bring my own lunch to work, and I either eat later than I planned, or get so busy that I end up never really taking a lunch break, but more like a bite before someone stops by my office or calls me up. Before I know it my lunch hour never really happens, it's more like working 9 hours and take an occasional swallow of food. So with that said, I really was craving junk today, or perhaps just getting the hell out of the office. So I with magazine in hand I ventured out and went to Taco Bell. And had a Chalupa. And it was good........Damn good. For the first time in a long time I took a lunch by myself, and atcually found a table to sit with no phone or e-mail. I could read a magazine without interuption and eat more than two successive bites and savor every last taste. I also had a new drink....a soda no less.....which I hardly ever drink. I have the occasional Pepsi with Jack Daniels, but if there is no Jack (or rum), then I don't do soda. I had a new drink: Mountain Dew Baja Blast. It is pale turqoise in color and delicious. I will have this again.
OMG, they got my cell phone number. My cell phone rings......I answer. Nathan: Hello Telemarketer: Nathan? Nathan Dayspring? N: Uh,....yes (trying to figure out who this) T: Yes, my name is XXXX and as a preferred customer with Visa.... N: (interupting) Whoa...whoa...whoa. How did you get this number? This is a business cell phone? T: You signed up with a marketing firm that shares information..... N: Uh.... T: (without missing a beat). So I'm hear to tell you about the exciting reward program that... N: (interupting again) I'm not interested. T: I don't expect you to be interested over the phone, however...... N: (Hangs up)
Commentary I just sorta noticed I've been here almost a year. I can't really think of any major fanfare planned. No skin change, no new color, no enhanced search engine. I realize some readers have come and gone. I miss some of them, especially the ones that used to comment all the time, but I think became embarrassed to write when they realized others in the blogging community who were reading their pages, noted that they were commenting on mine. I blame this on the content of my site. I at times obviously talk about my past relationships, my fantasies, and some erotic true stories and I realize it can be embarrassing for some. If you notice, though I may forget to spell check once in a while, I can talk sexually without being to rude or to crude. There are certain words I won't use, for personal reasons, and even though this is a BLOG, I don't try to write as a male porn star using 'F' every other word. Think of my blog as Rated R, NC-17, & X. Very few XXX dialogue, but none-the-less, I have noticed some people began to shy away more because readers of their blogs may think they were not who they seemed to be if they read mine. Oh well. What do you do. I write this more so for me, my thoughts, my therapy (current counseling excluded) and try to come to grips with who Nate is, and isn't. I've grown a lot over the years. I am not the Playboy I once was....and truthfully...at times....I miss it. But I realize as I get older, I have to be more responsible and more sensitive to others feelings, including my own. So I don't sleep around anymore. Maybe when I was younger and dumb and 'sowing' my oats per-se it wa a different story. Honestly, there are some women for the life of me I can't remember their names. But I was always nice to them. I can also honestly say I have never hit a woman, have always protected them when I was with them, bailed them out of jams, and NEVER EVER called them a name like 'bitch' to their face, let alone any name. I may have raised my voice in frustration, or thought they were a cold bitch after the fact, but I challenge anyone who knows me to prove that I ever called a woman a name. On the other hand I have been on the receiving end of name calling, but usually it was because I either got caught 'dating' a few different women at the same time, or when in a supposedly 'real relationship', the woman would either be drunk, do something stupid, or I would learn they cheated on me. I'm all for playing around when it is understood between both parties, but when committed, you don't do that. It was done to me. Anyone who has spent anytime reading my Blog has probably figured out I enjoy sex...safe sex, but naughty all the same. I am human and I have desires. Where some people think my desires are morally wrong or reprehensible, I also think that taking drugs, smoking, certain fetishes are wrong. That's my opinion and you of course are entitled to yours. I'm a conservative person by nature. I vote republican, watch my finances, am educated, don't believe in free handouts to illegal aliens, or like we owe the world an apology when they demand so much from us....and no doubt take it, but also complain. I also socially drink and am known to have a nice video porn collection. I also have my own religious beliefs and can tell you I am not an atheist. I'm also sorta in a relationship with April. Some days I am happy. Other days I am not. And even some days I still feel lonely. I even feel like going back to my Playboy lifestyle on occasion and still look at other women and love to hear and want to fulfill their fantasies as well. Does that make me shallow? Does that make me a pervert? Or does that just make me a man with a healthy sexual appetite who knows what lines can and cannot be crossed? It depends on how you interpret this for yourselves, and how you apply your interpretations and definitions towards me. One of you may think I go over the edge, where as someone else even wants more detail and complains I'm not explicit enough. I know this. I get the e-mails form both extremes, which I guess solidly places me in the middle--average. Perhaps I am the person you wish you could be, but to embarrassed for fear of what your mate, your church, your family, your friends may think. Perhaps I am somebody's reality check. Perhaps I am looked down upon for my past immoral behavior. Funny thing is....I care and don't care at the same time. I'm hardly as bad as some people may think, but I'm also not a prude or a tease. I figure if both parties are willing, then so be it. I'm sure my partners have much more colorful histories than I have, and to be honest....sometimes I wish I could be as carefree as them like SexyBlondeXOXO from a year ago. I miss her and think about her often.....but it was all physical...never given the chance for more. Sometimes I kick myself in the ass over that.....If I just would have tried harder or made the effort.....As they say: "The grass is always greener....", or so we hope. Then again, sometimes I just witness heartbreak and loss and deception...and I don't ever want to hurt anybody's feelings. Mine have been hurt enough over the years. I'm a man....who cries. I can bench press 350 lbs for multiple reps, but I am a mamma's boy who used to know real love and wants to feel it again, but is scared. I want to love and to share, but is it too much to ask for the same in return. I too want to be appreciated. I too want to trust you as much as you should trust me. But alas, that has yet to happen, ergo I do what I do.
Monday, July 26, 2004
As predicted, Friday evening was more or less forgetable. I just watched the boob tube, jumped online to play a game with some friends and went to bed. Saturday was somewhat more productive. I turned on my cable radio (it's nice with no commercials) and worked on my home. I'm a morning person, so I was up and at it at 5:45am. Crazy, I know....With a cup of fresh java and some good 'ole country music I cleaned the house top to bottom. Also took some time to clean my closet and donate some clothes to a local charity service. I should do more, but I really have a hard time throwing away good clothes...even if I haven't worn them in almost a year. I'm bad like that. I also was able to clean up the garage a bit and throw away some crap I know I haven't touched in over 2 years. I met my friend Steve for lunch. His wife was out of town and I know he was sorta bored too. So we went to a local pub, one I knew about, and one in which Steve has never been. Had a few beers and befriended the cute little waitress who was sorta innocently flirting with us too...most likely for the tip. It worked to a certain extent, but my friend Steve was more gullible than I. She was nice however, and even treated us to a few free drinks. As we left we learned she was a single mom and lived in some apartment 30 some miles away. 30 mile commute to be a beertender at a pizza joint? Well, if I guess if she was happy, then who were we to judge? I dropped Steve off at home mid afternoon, and then it hit me. Being tired that is. I came home and tried to take a nap. I must have layed on my bed for two hours, never really falling asleep which kinda sucked. I was too tired to go out and I wanted to prime myself for Sunday's festivities. So yet again I was a couch potato, surfing various channels and ended up watching part of Saturday Night Live. Pathetic, yet again. Sunday late morning I made some last minute phone calls to friends regarding the afternoon's activities. Looks like we're going to have a good turn out. Many of the guys said yes....I guess everyone wanted to be outside and enjoy the sun and beer. Sure enough, it was a good turn out. There was like 10 of us. Now Allison never made it, but one of my friends brought his girlfriend. However, she was on some sort of anti-biotic or medication so couldn't drink. Not that I mind at all, but then she became somewhat judgemental and critical of us guys for being guys. Case in point: I noticed one really attractive girl and tried secretly to indicate her to a friend of mine by what I thought was a very sly and smooth tap. However, medicated girl catches me and says: "Busted you. That's why I lump you together." Okay, I was busted, but it was just me noting a good looking girl and pointing it out to a friend. There was no drooling involved, no gawking, no juvenile jokes. But damn, if she would not let this go. For 10 minutes, and then every so often for the rest of our time there she would point out men's behaviors. Maybe it was the medicine, maybe 'cause she didn't have a drink, but damn she became a PILL really quick. She wasn't mean per-se, just sort of a drag that we all tolerated, including her boyfriend (who was at a loss of words on occassion...clearly uncomfortable at times). On the other hand, only one drunk patron tried to be a smart-ass with me, until I stood up and turned around. I can be imposing at times most likely due to my size. It probably helped that drunk guy noticed that all my friends turned his way as well. That was the end of that. Who knows how many pitchers we drank, and it doesn't help when you're in the sun. It seems to intensify the effects of alcohol. We all ate crap junk food, and today I'm paying for it. No hangover, just my body is in a state of grease rejection and shock. I'm so looking forward to the gym today. I've been trying to flush myself with water too, but can't go restroom fast enough. I feel like I'm carrying around 10 pounds of water in my stomach. April stayed over last night. We had all been drinking most of the day, and it was now dark. Not a good idea I figure. We did it but it was kinda silly. I was buzzed, she was buzzed...it was more like work than it was fun. I was a little rougher than usual....I was more or less holding her amrms down by her wrists so she was kinda helpless. I think this turned her on, like some sort of rough dominance fantasy she was having but never shared with me. My hands were like a vice-grip on her wrists, and she just gave in to me. Good thing it was dark too, for towards the end, I was feeling a little dizzy from the drinks and I didn't want her to see my face. I was starting to get a headache. So after we reached climax, which was a surprise we both did more or less at the same time (especially when we both were tipsy and knew it), I had to take some aspirin. Sorry I can't be too much more descriptive about this, it's kinda hazy even to me. I don't remember too much after that. We both fell asleep rather quickly, and the next thing I knew it was time to get up and get ready for work.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Actually they are just sore and tired from staring at a computer screen all day. It was unusually busy for a Friday, and I've been doing a fair share of troubleshooting lately. One of the guys actually brought in lunch for us today...It was okay, a little greasy, but free, so I wasn't complaining. I'll actually go to the gym today here in a few to make myself feel better. Tonight looks like a DVD night. Gosh, I'm getting old and hate it. Actually I'd love to go out, it's just my friends are tied down now with wives, or work, or financial woes. I really do, and I know I've said this before, I need some new friends. Saturday I'll work around my house depending on the weather. It's supposed to warm up again and I'm not too keen on working outside when it's in the mid 90's. I tentatively have plans with the guys on Sunday, but things are already getting outta control. What started out as a few of us guys getting together to a nice outdoor bar was looking pretty good. April found out about it and sorta invited herself. It was supposed to be just the 'guys', but I was 'okay' with the fact she wanted to go. Now she just e-mailed me and said her friend Allison may go. Great...Just great. Don't get me wrong...Allison is very sweet and very nice...and a bit older than me...like 39 or 40. For her age, she has a couple of kids, but divorced, and is like an 8.5 on a scale of 10. She's tone, skinny, beautiful...a little pale for my taste's, but otherwise very nice. So why am I bummed? Well, guy talk and testosterone will now have an injection of estrogen and so I'm sure I'll have to mind what I say to a certain extent. We go out there from time to time to look at the girls, and now with April and Allison, Nate may as well have blinders on. Not that I can't have fun, I just can't be myself with the guys, because inevitably April will want me to pay attention to her, and I'll have to be polite in front of Allison. Here's the other thing about Allison.....She knows she's hot. No, she doesn't say things like "look at me", or "I'm hot and single", and she doesn't wear come-screw-me clothes, but she does know how to manipulatively become the center of attention. She knows how to use her body language, and she 'perfectly naive' in just the right places in a conversation. She dresses pretty nice to boot, and I'm sure all my friends will be vying for her attention, so we'll see how it goes. I know if I had just met her, and didn't know her, I'd probably hit on her as well....just not with my friends nearby. Oh, yeah, I admit...I've visualized her in bed and in diffrent positions with me...and she alludes to having a colorful physical relations from time to time without ever going into too much detail. Basically she knows how to work a guys mind....devilish for sure. Needless to say it should be an interesting Sunday.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Commentary. Ok, this might sound goofy coming from a guy, but it's true for the most of us, and for some reason it just never gets the same attention that women receive. I'm talking about sensuous zones on the male body. While I'll agree for the most part that women are probably more in tune with their bodies then men are, men on occasion recognize that they have special zones on their body as well that makes them perk up when stimulated....and it's just not the crotch. I think it's our male ego that socially disallows for us to talk about it with our guy friends. While women can talk about the nape of their neck, or on how their boyfriend caressed their ass or calves. You don't hear many guys throwing back a beer talking about how they enjoy an oiled massage, or hot breath in the ear. Well, I'm about to tell you my secret melting point: I absolutely love when a girl runs her fingers through my hair down to my scalp. The feeling of her nails dragging themselves through my thick Italian hair from the front to the back does multiple things to me. A) It totally gives me a different type of energy buzz unlike caffeine or just waking up. B) It awakens nerve ending that normally don't get stimulated a lot. C) Because the woman has to be close to me to do this, there is an immediate heightened sense of sexual tension....even more so if she is facing me and we can stare into each other eyes. Not every girl has discovered this with me. But the few that have, have ended up very lucky in my opinion. For once I am in that state of mind and relaxation, you can do just about anything to me, and you can just about ask anything of me to do to you....and I'll do it as if I were in a trance.....slow and methodical....determined....focused. I want to return that pleasure to you ten fold, so I hope you're ready to party. I think back to once years ago, I was sorta in a new but brief relationship with this slightly older girl. I was in my early 20's, and she was in her late 20's. We had gone out to a coastal city one summer night and had enjoyed each other's company with a few drinks and taking in the sidewalk nightlife. Under the stars, and the warm summer breezes and with the waves crashing before us we found a quiet spot near a pier. There were people about, not in direct vicinity mind you, but walking around in the area like we were. We stopped and made one sentence small talk with each other. She was facing me in a denim jacket that was open, her black shirt underneath, and her painted on faded Levi's. She had leaned into me and we kissed. It wasn't hot and heavy, more sweet and tender than animalistic. My arms had slipped within her jacket and wrapped around her body, the added warmth of her torso radiated into mine and it was nice. Then as we continued to kiss she reached up and placed one of her hands on the back of my head and teased my scalp. Instantly a blanket surge of sexual energy washed over me and I was hypnotized by her. Her kisses were now softer, yet more intense. When she kissed my neck, I swear I could feel every indentation of her lips. My own eyes could have rolled back into my head and my body became relaxed and receptive. It was all I could do to not take her right then and there....if it wasn't for other people walking around, I most likely would have. Needless to say that evening finished off great. It was my mission that evening that when we returned to her condo that I was the most delicate and rough to her body that I could be. That itself is another Nate story, but to think it was all started because she played with my hair.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
So I am having some reservations about seeing the counsler again this Thursday. I am supposed to meet him again at 5pm. He had given me some 'homework' last time, and while I did do some, I'll admit I fell short of even my goals of doing it. Chalk it up to being busy at work, hot weather, and when I do get some free time, plunking down in front of my TV to play a video game. I really have nothing new to report to him, since my homework was slacked off on. My life has been too busy to really 'deal' with issues that concern me. For multiple reasons: I'm not into conflict....especially when it comes to family, friends, and lovers. I don't like hurting people's feelings, so I guess I tend to keep things bottled within me, or shouldering the burden myself. I'm already trying to think of an excuse not to go. Part of it is also the fact that I felt my initial session was sorta a waste of time. Moreso because he lectured me and went off on a tangent in which I never saw the connection back to me and my issues. ...... Huh....Look at that. I just so totally lost my train of thought right now.
True Story. I feel horrible, embarrassed, and can't help but smile and laugh at the incident all at the same time. I hope April understands, and by her reaction (or lack thereof) this morning, I think she does. Yesterday was a little busier than normal at work, and while it has cooled down a bit, it is still above average in the ambient tempertature outside. I had an excellent day at the gym yesterday, my normal weights seemed lighter than ususal, and I worked up quite an appetite. April called up and said she wanted to make me dinner, so who was I to stop her. She made a nice salad, country style potatoes, and steak. A true Americana meal. There didn't appear to be anything on television last night, so we checked out my DVD collection, she selected a movie, and we began top watch. But I was very sleepy and I was fighting keeping my eye's open. She decided to stay and we retired to my room. While she climbed in under the covers, I stripped down to my boxers and slept on top of my bed. This is where it all started, or then again, where it didn't. I must have been in light twilight. I was awake, but barely. I was on my back clearing all thoughts out of my mind, listening to the dull thrum of my cieling fan, losing track of the seconds. The next thing I knew my member felt incredibly wet and warm, and this pleasurable sensation continued for a few seconds longer until I realized April was going down on me. Now most of you guys (and maybe some gals) can appreicate this. I have stated in the past that when it comes to intimate behavior, I usually start everything. My recent complaints have been the fact that April sometimes needs encouragement from me to get the ball rolling. But last night, she was taking charge of the situation, and in a rare occurance began to play with me. The problem.... I was half asleep, and what seemed to be a few seconds to me, April later told me was more like 10 minutes. Her she was, taking matters into her own hand (or mouth as it were) and I was falling asleep. The last straw to her is when I began a light snore....something I never do....because I rarely sleep on my back. I generally sleep on my side. After hearing my faint sawing of logs, April gave up, somewhat frustrated and ended up going to bed herself. She told me this morning and like I said I feel both horrible and want to laugh at the same time. You guys want to shoot me, and I'm sure the girls may feel I was unappreciative. On the contrary, I was very happy she put forth the effort and flattered......but I really was that tired.
Monday, July 19, 2004
So it's been a few days since I last posted, and a lot of wacky stuff has transpired, but nothing like the dream I experienced this morning. And I'm positive that some of the things I was exposed to whether, it be televison or real life had something to contribute to my warped dreams. Some background first: 1) It's been very warm at my house.....A/C is running off and on all day trying to keep my place at a comfortable 78, but my back bedroom in the middle of the night feels warmer. 2) I had a little drink yesterday...basically some beers, but very few with a friend and April. 3) Watched the show "Cheaters" (which unfortunately is a very stereotypical show when it comes to minorities and white trash), some "Cops", and HGTV where I watched a show on expanding and updating a residential bathroom. So after sleeping on top of my bed off and on all night and feeling restless most likely due to the heat, I made my way to the living room where it was a tad cooler. There I have a couch, which while it looks very nice and I got an excellent deal on it, isn't the most comfortable piece I ever owned. Being that is 4am, and I know I have to be up by 6:30, I try to fall back asleep. Begin dream sequence.....(sorry for the disjointed thoughts...that's how dreams are) For some reason I am at my parents home and they are leaving for a day trip to the beach very early in the morning (I already know this is a warped dream...my parents don't do 'the beach', nor do they get up early for outings), and they are expecting me to go as well. They have hired a eastern-block foreign lady to babysit the house for the day. 'Olga' is smoking hot and blond, and young. I must use the restroom and deficate. As I sit down on the toilet, I realize that the walls open up into the living room where I can see Olga's legs on the couch. She must be watching television, but unaware I am next to her doing my business. But wait, this is a dream, so of course she see me and begins talking to me as my jeans and boxers are around my ankles and I'm in the middle of a movement. I'm embarrased so I must get up and leave. I do not wipe...Do not ask. Next thing I know I am at the beach, where numerouse friends of family are there either lounging in chairs or in the water. It is early in the morning. Sun is just coming up. I notice the tide changing. I fall asleep on a blanket. I get up and tell my father I need to hurry or I'llbe late for work. He tells me it is 8:40am. CRAP!!! I am already late by 1 hour and 40 minutes! Scramble for my cell phone...One I've never seen before and call my co-worker as I run to my new silver Rodeo. It looks like a fricken futuristic tank. As I approach my tank, I notice someone trying to break into it, while yet another youth is selling crack out of my backseat. I get him out and pile into the driver seat. I start the ignition and realize some degenerate is on my hood. Use windshield wipers to puch him off. I start rolling the car forward, he leaps off. I acellerate and drive over the spikes...no tire damage. Man begins to chase me on foot as I try to leave beach parking lot. I make sure windows and doors are locked. He catches up to me and begin to yank on a door. Police come out of nowhere and tackle him...I zoom out. Dream sequence ends.... I open my eyes and feel the crust in the corners. It is now 6am. What the hell was that all about. I also now realize I have the worst headache. Take two Advil and get ready for work. Oh, BTW, I didn't crap my pants.
My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
So the last few days have been an emotional journey for one reason or the next, something I have been struggling to identify with. So inevitably I give up at times either by choice, or because of other demands. One of those demands has been work. I love my job, but I definitely work with some children disguised as adults. Not all of them, but I definitely have my share of whiners. My work load has been higher than normal lately. Some of it has to do with the fact one of my counterparts is out this week for training, so I'm holding down the fort. Probably doesn't help that the temperature outside has been in the 90's the last few days which makes everyone just slightly more cranky. They are also moving me to a new desk, which is hard, because the timing is wrong. It's too hard to move office locations when you are doing someone else's job as well. So my sleeping habits are averaging about 6 hours a day now, and yesterday, I had a huge burst of energy in the afternoon. I went to the gym afterwork and had a stellar workout. I was a madman, most likely due to pent up energy and emotions. I did biceps and shoulders yesterday, and surprisingly after a arm workout like that I still had more energy. So I hit the bench press and was doing reps with 275lbs. Then I realized I locked my keys in my car. Fortunately my parents live only about 20-25 minutes away, so my dad had to come up with the keys. I of course felt like an idiot, but we had a nice casual conversation in the parkinglot. Later April came by. We had planned on watching BB5 and Amazing Race together. April could sense something was up with me, and tried gently to pry information out of me. I wouldn't say it backfired on her or me per-se, but I suggested now was not the time to talk and warned her I may say something that I don't mean, that I didn't want to argue, or put her on the defensive. Of course this piqued her interest and despite my warnings she persisted to hound me. Well, what started out innocently enough escalated to a mild argument which I am embarrassed to say my meltdown started to come out. Before I knew it my eyes were watering as I briefly touched on a few subjects....briefly. While not understanding 100%, her defensive and argumentative nature calmed down a bit and the room got quiet. End of discussion as I gracefully re-cover. We watch BB5 and Amazing Race. I love Amazing Race and was really sad to see Donny & Alison get eliminated. And I love the cousins...the cute girl and the midget. They kick ass. Then something surreal happened. April began to caress my head in a very gentle way. I began to fall asleep on my own couch, with her slightly touching me, as a matter of fact I know I fell asleep at one point. And then something happened that hasn't happened in a long time and it was a very pleasant surprise.... April had begun to initiate an intimate round of foreplay. Nothing too nasty, and to be honest I'm not going to go into too much detail here today...I just don't have the gumption to get into all the graphic and salacious details. I think that would ruin the memory of it for me. But needless to say, with April's lead, we made sweet love until 12:30 am. It may sound corny, but I think at some level other than primal urges, I needed that, and maybe April did too. In hindsight, perhaps she took note of my emotional state and it was her way of saying/demonstrating everything will be okay, not to worry. She spent the night, and if it wasn't for the fact that I knew I had a busy day today, I would have tried for round two this morning, but I just let her sleep until I was ready to go, and allowed her to close my house up for me.
Monday, July 12, 2004
The counseling that is. So I went afterwork the other day, not revealing my intent to anyone except you guys. Wouldn't you know that was the day I would be overly busy and my cell phone kept ringing every ten minutes. As a matter of fact on my way to my appointment, my new boss calls and wants to know how far I am from work, and if I could turn around and come back.....Long pause as I scramble for something to say....he wouldn't tell me why I needed to come back which of course made me even more nervous (more on that later) as I am pulling into the parking lot of the counsler. I made up some BS story that I was meeting my parents for dinner and I was already on the freeway (I hate lying like that, but I am not about to tell my new boss that I am seeking quasi-proffesional help). With that fire out, I was a little early to my appointment, but it worked out fine since my counsler was also ready. After signing a few waivers we made our way to a very non-descript and sterile looking room. A Conference table, two chairs, a phone, a box of Kleenex. Already I'm thinking this is BS. 'Stan' tells me a little about himself...then actually a lot of himself. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I made this appointment to discuss my issues, not Stan's life history. My 'session' was 45 minutes in length, and in all honesty Stan controlled the first 30 minutes of it going off on some tangents that I didn't see the connection on how any of his diatribe related to me. Finally I had to speak up..."Uh, Stan.....I hear what your saying....but....Since you haven't even asked me what I feel I'm here for, I can't see how any of this is relevant". Granted, the counseling is free, but still time is a commodity, and Stan had apparently had a lot of futures invested here. I guess I was determined at the very least to unload. I wasn't expecting him to solve anything. I just wanted someone to listen, and at this point I was getting more frustrated as I listened to pointless quotes. Stan's method of counseling was to regurgitate quotes who I didn't know who the authors even were, nor did I care. Nate had to take charge here. So I unloaded. I felt my voice begin to raise, and because I am not a violent person, my eyes began to water in release. I cried, but not like water works or sobbing...I had to maintain some shred of personal dignity and self respect in front of this stranger. I didn't get to say everything I wanted, maybe 65-70% what has been on my mind...but I was now on a 10 minute roll. Then I stopped unexplicably and got a Kleenex and wiped my eyes. Stan looked at me, and I truly believe he was sympathetic and empathetic towards me for the first time. I had the overall impression he truly did want to help me, but I think he could sense I was either too uptight, or pleasantly defiant towards his methods. He said he would pray for me, and I was actually happy about that. I don't take that as an insult or an offense in the least. Stan put aside his 'clinical' crap (and it was crap) and just said he'd pray for me. He gave me some stuff to read at the end, sorta like self-help homework, and actually convinced me to come back in two weeks. He even suggested I bring April....but I don't have the guts right now to even tell her what I did and she's one of the reasons why I went. I did see April later and she asked me where I was...and unfortunately I sorta lied again....I never told her I went to see a counsler, but went to this facility to look into what they offer. She got quiet for a second, and just dropped it cold. Perhaps she senses I've been wrestling with some inner strife and doesn't know how to approach it either. I drank that night. By myself. Watching a DVD. 2 hours of an epic and a gin martinni. For two hours I didn't think about the outside world. For 2 hours I was at peace with myself. Saturday and Sunday found me doing chores like a madman at my house. I guess I try to bury things with work. I did touch up paint, fixed a door, hung a cabinet, laundry, dishes, swept, cleaned refrigerator, organized financial records, read, washed car. Catch my drift? April and I didn't get intimate this weekend, she still has her period, and she won't play with me it seems unless she can play as well. That sucks (no pun intended). Went to a BBQ at a friends house this weekend as well. It was fun, and I drank a lot of beer, but never got drunk. Never even a buzz. One of the neighbors showed up with his airline stewardess wife. She walks in in white terri-cloth sweat bottoms, a hot pink 'Corona' T-shirt, and her huge fake breasts. Definetly a trophy wife, and this guy proceeds later in the evening to tell us how they met. Of course it was sexual in nature, and she was not too shy about the story either. I had to leave the room. I am looking at this Pamela Anderson wannabe, drinking, they are talking about their first 'date'....and I can't be with April tonight, and their story reminds me of my days in college. I don't want to be anymore depressed, so I just leave for the next room and gorge on cookies. Ever have double-chocolate cookies with a Hefeweizen chaser? Went to church yesterday as well. Video games part of the day. My friend called me from a bar and invited me over, but I never picked up the phone. Just heard his message. If I went, I'd be in trouble. I'd drink Sunday away as well, but I'm smarter than that. Don't go, no temptation....simple as that. I'm having a fantasy right now that I get in my car and drive towards the desert. I come across some 'ole watering hole where I meet a fanstastic looking broad who just wants a meaningless fling outside under the sun. So we find a desolate spot, drenched in sweat, tear each others clothes off and just go at it like we've never done before. Then we go our seperate ways. .... .... My mind just went blank....Be back later.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Today so far has not been a stellar day. For some personal reasons right now in my life, I've had a hard time sleeping. This morning it was 3:30am in which I awoke and felt obligated to walk my house before going back to bed. I didn't fall back asleep immediately, however, I did return to slumber only to be awake again more or less by 5:30am. Since then I have had a punding headache. 2 aspirin and two cups of coffee later have not really helped, and when I arrived to work I learned 2 of my peers called in sick so I've been manning the phones all day. If that wasn't bad enough, the technical calls I have received are really ass backwards. More times than not, it is the user...basically not paying attention, not reading a manual, or not using common sense. Things between April and I are somewhat sensative this week due to her emotional nature and stubborness that surfaces during 'that time' of the month. Couple that with my parents and a few other people constantly giving me their $.02 every few hours...mind you, none of which I requested...make Nate a very glassy eyed person. My symptoms: My eyes are achy, I have a headache, I am craving junk food, I don't want to hear another phone ring, I don't want to listen to April or anyone else's problems right now seeking support, nor do I want them to support me. I just feel liek running away for a few days....not tell anyone. Just get in my car, and drive to someplace I never been. To smell a foreign environment, to talk to a stranger at a bar, to laugh mindlessly and endlessy at a stupid joke. My surroundings feel as if they are moving at 100MPH, and I am hopelessly pushing my car from behind (in a metaphorical sense that is). Today I see a counsler. I am actually embarrassed by that. I've always prided myself in being the rock of Gibralter, either on my own accord or with Gods help. No, I don't think God has abandoned me, but admittedly I don't have the patience right now to wait for divine wisdom or let things work themselves out over the next few days. Unfortunately I have obligations right now...to my new job, to my new department, to my new boss, to my home. I hope I don't break down...I plan on going in to teh counsler and putting on a brave face...and I plan on being 100% honest. He/She doesn't know me, so I have nothing to lose...right? I notice I am taking deep breaths right now, and my stomach is flip-flopping? Part of it is definetly stress, some of it is undefined fear, some of it....I don't know. I never undertood why people want to dissapear. I never understood why people want to take drugs to 'get away from it all'. No, I'm not even approaching the thought of drugs...never...but today, I kinda do understand why people do what they do. I'm moody and I'm tired. I want to drink. I want to play a video game until tomorrow, or whenever. I want to tell people what I really think right now with no fear of ramifications. I want to use the word hate, but I'm not sure what to apply it to.
True Story When I was in college many moons ago, an aquaintance pal of mine that I used to run into at parties or around campus began dating this girl that more or less ran in the same circles. Brad and Michelle were always very nice to me and cordial, and often we had pleasant words with each other whether on campus or not, but I wouldn't say we were best friends or double dated or whatever. Anyway, it was almost two years after we all graduated that I got a surprise invitation to their wedding, and it just so happens it would be very close to where I was actaully living at the time. Brad was also kind enough to invite me to his bachelor party. I guess I shoudl be very flattered that he extended an invitation to me, or took the time to write me after we all left school. I am sad to say today, however, we have lost touch. I have heard through mutual friends that they ended up having two boys, and have moved a few times since, but effectively I lost touch with them. Anyway, I attended the wedding solo, wearing a brand new suit and ran into a few old chums. The ceremony itself was pretty short, if you would have blinked, you would have missed it. The reception followed immediately thereafter in the building next door, and I made my way to the bar looking for a cold beer. That's when I saw her. For the life of me, I can't remember her name....it was 10 years ago. But for the sake of this memory, I'll name her Darcey. Darcey must have just turned 21 or 22 and was from out of town. Actually later I would find out she was from out of state. She had a slender build, maybe around 5'6" or 5'7", light but very effective and soft makeup. She looked somewhat petite and had a very faint tan, and sandy/dirty blonde hair that reached between her shoulder blades in the rear, but was styled to reveal her delicate face. Needless to say we both caught each other's eye's and for the next hour we stole glances at each other from across the room. Where I was having idle chat with a few of my college buddies over yet another beer, I would secretly spy over my shoulder to catch Darcey doing the same with her group of girls. It was at the beginning of the dancing for the evening that I decided at the very least to make contact. Placing my beer down, I made my way across the floor and interuppted the girl gab and asked her to dance. Darcey replied yes, and we were soon grooving to the hits of he 80's and early 90's. I actually tried to play it cool, not to agressive, and took breaks every 10 minutes or so, or allowed each otehr to dance with others as the night progressed. As time moved forward we had taken our converstaion together outside, where I was sad to see that she smokes, but glad to hear that she had no boyfriend. Turns out she was a cousin on Michelle's side and really was an excuse for Darcey to leave her state for a few days vacation. As the reception wound down, some of teh close friends and family were invited back to the in-laws house for teh after-hours party if you will, and I was kindly included. I offered Darcey a ride and before I knew it we were holding hands, and more or less people began to notice that we were getting kinda close to each other. Brad, the groom, even came up to me, smiled, and said "You Dawg". Back at the in-laws house some 1/2 hour later, various family members and friends had formed certain cliques and continued their celebrations by more drinking and loud bullshitting. Darcey and I mingled between crowds and often sat next to each other. After another half hour of this, Darcey suggested we go outside and take a walk. We walked hand in hand around these resedential streets, making small talk and soon found how isolated we were now that we were about 3 blocks away from the party. Our holding hands soon turned into staring into each other's eyes. Small smirks and grins were exchanged between us. And small pecks on the lips turned into full blown making out with my hands roaming her back, and her pulling my head into hers as her fingers toyed with my hair. Wearing slacks is unlike wearing jeans....when a guy becomes aroused, it's pretty obvious when he is wearing slacks. It's even more obvious when your body is pressed up against another, under the cool midnight air. It's quite a sensation, let me say....To hear the crickets and random midnight noise, the panting of ones breath, the smell of perfume and orange blossoms and jasmine, the cool air on most of your body, and then the heat of another right in front of you. My hands began to trace the outline of her dress on her back and found her bra clasps, and her hands had found the front of my slacks and grabbed my hardness. What a surprise this was turning out to be. Since I had graduated college 2 years prior, I hadn't had an experince that progressed this quickly. Usually I had been on a few dates first, but here was a very attractive stranger, who was a mystery to me, and I was to her. She obviously must have felt the same way, and had the same thoughts by the way she reacted to my touch, and led at times herself. The sexual heat between us was on boil, but rational heads prevailed as we both realized we weren't about to have sex in the middle of the street, nor did I have a condom, nor did we think it was feasible to do anything back at the party. Here we were, two people giving each other the green light, and no where to go. It was here that I decided at the least, I'd give Darcey an experience, no matter how trivial, she woudl remember. Where we stood, I spied a small retaining wall about waist high. Without telling Darcey, I grabbed her by the hips and sat her down on this wall. She was wearing a sundress, and allowed me to get closer to her still as I stood between her legs. Our making out resumed...heavier....and now I had one hand inching its way up her inside thigh until my fingers reached her satin panties. My gestures were met with an open sigh and closed eyes and I was rewarded with the incredible feeling of heat radiating under that dress. My thumb lightly applied pressure in a circular motion to these satin panties, and shortly slipped underneath from one side until I felt her moist flesh. Darcey was more or less still, perhaps looking around for unwanted strangers, but never asked me to stop. She would kiss my neck and blow in my ear as my thumb proceded to make its way inside her. I began to wiggle it around, and eventually removed it and pulled back so Darcey could see my face in the moonlight. I wickedly placed my thumb in my mouth, tasting her and giving her a devilish stare. Darcey raised an eyebrow to me, and just nodded approvingly. Quickly, I glanced over either shoulder, confirming we were all alone, but there was alwyas the element of danger present. When I saw that everything was okay, I squatted down on my haunches, pushed up her dress with my left hand, and began to lick the inside of her panties right in front. Again with my left hand, and with a little shifting from her I removed the panties altogther and stashed them in my back pocket. With full access to her honey pot, I eagerly gave her oral pleasure. From licking, to swirling, to light sucking I wanted to make sure Darcet enjoyed every moment as I was. I think she did as both her hands were on the back of my head pulling me closer. With her breath quickening and icreased squirming, Darcey stifled as best she could any noise that escaped her lips until her body began to come down once again. I stood back up and wiped my mouth with first my hand, then her panties, and she just looked at me, smiled, and shook her hed in disbelief....like she was thinking. "What did I do? I don't even know this guy!". Sadly the favor wasn't returned, but as I glaced at my watch it was close to three in the morning, and I still had to walk her back to the party and drive home. Back at the party she retrieved her panties from me, exchanged phone numbers, and made out a little more just outside my car. I finally left with the worst case of blue balls I could remember, but still smiled at my wedding surprise. Epilogue.... I called Darcey a week later as I knew she wouldn't be back to her home state until then, and we made some small talk. I think we both realized we were young, and far apart, and it wasn't realistic to see each other on a regular basis, let alone even once every few months. We said we'd both keep in touch, but secretly, I think we both knew we wouldn't. That was 10 years ago....I wonder what she's up to today?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Commentary Ahhhh....new mid summer television programming has started. Now I realize, no matter how pathetic this sounds, why I love my television: Both drama's and reality T.V. give me an hour or two every night where I forget about my own job, my own life, and my own issues. I like to live vicariously through those on reality TV. Last night was the debut of Amazing Race 5 and Big Brother 5. This complicates matters for me as I also love Nip/Tuck, Queer Eye, and Last Comic Standing. And in a few weeks F/X will debut Firefighters w/ Dennis Leary (one of my fav's). I only have one VCR, not TIVO, so believe me when I say I have a juggling act. So last night... Last Comic Standing: Taped it,...I'll watch it tonight. Love the idea of this show, and the comics are surprisingly the most vicious back-stabbing people on any show. Well, every show usually has one person you love to hate, or a drama king/queen, but comics are a different breed. They are all in love with themselves in the end. Nip/Tuck: Also taped. I really identify with both characters, that's why I like it soo much. I have always had a desire to be strong like Christian, and boy does he score! That was me to an extent in college, but I was never that cold. Think of him as a young J.R. Ewing who gets sex. But in the end he stares in the mirror and is alone and has issues. The other partner is who I want to be too: The family man, head screwed on his shoulders, pretty good moral fiber, but can be weak at times. I am both these guys wrapped up in one. Big Brother 5: Well granted last night was the debut, and already the cliques and power plays are forming. Two really good looking gals on there, one brunette and one blond. Blond sounds very stupid though. Requisite token gay and token black person. I don't know their names, but I like the black guy already...you can just tell he isn't going to take shit from people. Gay guy secretly says he won't reveal he's gay until a certain point in the game.....Uh, sorry, but you aren't fooling anybody...I had you picked out as soon as you opened your mouth. You just can't 'hide' mannerisms and feminine speech. I am amazed on how 'model' quality most of the guys are this year. Clearly NBC is trying to attract female viewers....there are like 4 guys who have bodies like Calvin Klien commercials. The girls were pretty non-discript other the one young girl with purple hair, butt white and tons of ink. (Secret...she is the half sister of another player in the house, and she doesn't know it. Same father different mothers and never met. The half brother from Oklahoma pieced it together quickly but hasn't revealed it to anyone and is clearly an emotional wreck over the news). Too bad this isn't the BBC version...I heard/read that their version of the show is a lot more racier and a few 'shagged' liked minx's in heat. Amazing Race 5: I was really impressed with the teams this time around. They are all pretty much likeable so far, unique, and very dynamic. For the opener show, they had to do a ton of crap in 48 hours. I was shocked at the amount of insane clues and missions they had to do in the first 2 days. A normal man would sleep for days. Even though I said all the teams were exciting, the least exciting ended up in last place and were subsequently the first to be eliminated. Good, but now who? The biggest surprise for me was Allison from Big Brother and her goofy on-again/off-again boyfriend Donny are a team. This is going to be good drama...they have so much sexual tension between them, but literally are prone to fighting with each other every 30 minutes. I really feel sorry for Donny....After watching Allisons exploits on BB4, I cannot believe he is still with her. Dumbshit...but good TV. The funniest team, but surprising really good players are the cousins: 1 good looking dumb girl and her very smart midget female cousin. They actually kick ass! I have no idea who I'm rooting for... I like them all so far. Guess all this TV is good, since I haven't gotten any in over a week again anyway. :)
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
All in all, it was O.K. There were some highs, and some lows, but now it's over and I'm looking back on the last 3.5 days with no one word that can decribe it. Adi....Thanks for reminding me of the wedding story....maybe later today or tomorrow, but I chose to share my 4th with you all first. Piper, looking forward to your next update. Okay, I'll do this in a logical day by day account: Friday: Was able to leave work slightly early after all, and made my way to the gym for a real good workout. Ran into a female aquaintance there, Michelle, who is a single mother in her early 40's. She has such a great body, and looks good in everything I ever seen her wear, no matter what the fashion, and now the first time I ever saw her in gym attire, and the results were just as good. She was taking her daughter camping, which in her world translated to a hotel resort in the mountains where she would hang out at the pool with a pina colada. I immediately had visions of her and I in the mountains, in a little cabin, making our own fire....hotel or tent, I don't care. She is gorgeous for her early 40's. Later in the evening I did end up over at my friends house for a BBQ. Mostly couples. A few single guys and gals, but the single women were a bit older (probably also hovering around 40). One kinda reminded me of a younger Martha Stewart, and though I never really spoke with her, I overheard her talking to a few other guys and came across rather snooty or stuck-up. Another one was cute, maybe a few extra pounds, but Jessica Simpson smart. Then a younger friend of mine showed up with his new girlfriend of one month....Probably 10-15 years his senior, and she looked great, even showed me her tan and thong, and I never even asked! The night continued on with plenty of Jack & Coke, and Texas Hold'em. I won, too bad it wasn't real money, but I cleaned house. Before I knew it, the part was dwindling down by 11:30, so I took my own leave and was probably in bed just after midnight. Saturday: Video games, house chores, laundry, grocery shopping for Sunday BBQ, DVD rental, around the house handy man stuff. No gym but plenty of junk food. Sunday: Church (yes I do go at times you cads), another DVD rental, video games, helped my neighbor fix some plumbing in her house, and then readied my own party. April came over, and actually looked pretty well, but told me early on before the guests arrived that she started her monthly cycle. (Note: I need to start to track this on my own...seems she is getting this more often than once a month, like just 2-3 weeks ago). So all plans I had for my 'big night leading into Monday' went right out the window. And to think I didn't watch any porn the last few days saving myself in anticpation for her...BAH! So a few friends show up, and then a few unexpected neighbors just 'showed-up'....not that I was mad...I had plenty of food, but I think they were just being social for their first time ever. We all ended up watching fireworks together at the lake, then back to my house where we all sat in the backyard until after midnight. Man, I ate even more junk food today....chips, dip, cookies, tec. and still no gym. April and I ended up cleaning up the kitchen and backyard after everyone left, and went to bed by 12:30. April stayed the night though nothing happened, which I guess was okay since I was pretty tired anyway. Monday: More last minute cleaning. Planned on going to the gym, but time escaped me as I found a classic movie marathon on TV, and once again ate plenty of chips (Well Atkins is laughing at me now). More laundry. Small heat wave. April and I made out for a few minutes before she left, once again telling me she 'make it up to me next week'...Seems nice, but didn't solve the immediate issue, which sadly I didn't resolve myself either...Still no gym, just left-overs for dinner. So, there it is....quite a few paragraphs of utter nothing. By the way, I'm going to see a therapist later this week. I generally don't believe in shrinks, but I found a counsler service through a local community group that is more or less anonymous and free. Just want to talk about my recent funk, why I dwll on thing or can't let things go, my feelings towards April, and the fact that even though I make good money, am in good health, have a good relationship with my family....why I can't say I am happy....nor sad. I'm not suicidal, nor have sexual perversions.....I just found myself 'crying' the other day for no discernable reason. I look back and still don't know why I broke down, and I think I need someone to help me explore why. I have good friends, good family, good work, and a good gal (or a few if I tried), but I guess I still feel alone at times. I don't know....
Friday, July 02, 2004
I guess I never paid too much attention to the right margin of my blog in that much detail. However, being a little slow today with fellow employees calling in sick or leaving early for a long 3-4 day vacation, I finally studied those added in my Bloglinker. When you see my 'Links' on teh right hand side, towards the top, know that I manually put those in. I should clean them up more often than I do, for some are dead....the authors have chosen for one reason or another to disapear of the face of cyberspace. However, the BlogLinker, is an auto-matic sign-up service. Most of the entries on that list have added my blog to their list, and as in a 'tit-for-tat' policy, thier link magically appears on my side. Kinda like file swapping if you will. I'm a little flatterd and amused at some of the peopel and tehir blogs that are now linked to my site. Especially the one entitled 'Palabras con Sexos'....obviously in Spanish. I visted that site once, and I think it pretty much was all in Spanish, so I assume the author can read english since he linked me. On the other hand, even though my blog and my writings can be of a sexual nature at times, I do shudder what some people may think when they see the names of some of teh blogs, and must wonder "What kind of person is Nate? What was he thinking?"...Like 'Marschick' and 'Have Your Say Today'. You may be thinking...."Is he ashamed? Is he defending or justifying himself?" ...Uh, no, really I just kinda noticed them today and now feel obligated to check them out and hopefully be entertained.
I wish I could sit here and tell you all I was doing something fantastic planned for my three day vacation, but sadly I cannot. April and I will be together, and we've been invited to a few potluck type parties, but we both came to the conclusion we don't want to drive anywhere and fight traffic, nor be around a lot of strangers and find ourselves making strained small talk. (On the other hand, I wouldn't necessarily mind finding some female strangers to flirt with....that reminds me of a wedding story I need to share with you---remind me) The city that I live in will have a fire-work display which is within walking distance from my house. So we may just go there. I also had a few friends call me up out of the woodwork and hint that they would like to come to my place. I'm both flattered and irritated. The irritation stems from the fact that on a otherwise relaxing day, I know I'll get suckered into BBQ'ing. And when I entertain, you just don't eat hot dogs and drink soda.....I tend to be the consumate chef at outings, and am asked to cook often enough. Can't let my friends down, though I know I'll most likely eat the cost. I'm falttered because my friends want to spend time with me, and enjoy my house, and my food. So there is a Ying to every Yang. Unfortunately, I won't be having as much fun as Piper. Seems this little vixen has a 'sex-party' she will be attending with some friends and I assume her boyfriend. She doesn't make it entirely clear, but damn, she is a great writer and has really crafted fantasies for me....Just wish I could live them out. You should read some of her entries for some eye-opening escapades....and I knwo she must be intelligent...she is a quality writer with a wickedly acute vocabulary. I know we would hit it off. Okay, back to my reality. I walked into work this morning and was complimented by our receptionist. "Nate, you working out again?"...I'm sure it was innocent, but I blushed for a guy. She is really cute, divorced, 2 kids, 30, latina, but is dating a cop. Under other circumstances, I would probably ask her out if I wasn't sorta attached. Tonight I am supposed to go to a friends house and visit with him and his wife and some neighbors. A very low-key, impromptu dinner. I think I'll dress up very nice. I've been in a mood lately...happy one minute, blah the next. My sex life with April is consistant but a little vanilla. I've had some unexpected repair bills and a new boss who is a little 'difficult' to work with are bringing me down. Not to mention I haven't had a real vacation in almost 4 years. When I say 'real', I mean no 3 day weekends....I mean at least a week to a location I never been to before. I think if I do have any free time this weekend, it will be doing chores about the house and catch up on some DVD's. I think I am going to try and be devilish and really put out effort one day and create a scenario for April and I that will take her by surprise and lead to something hot and new. I want my own fireworks on the 4th....something I've had in past years (Thank you Kim & Bonnie....those were great 4th's ::wink::) BTW: I am feeling very chatty today, so I wouldn't be surprised if I blogged a lot today.