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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Dreams can also bring back painful memories 

True Story/Commentary Well the weather is still pretty warm here...small heat wave in effect, and thus makes any restful sleep somehwat difficult. The last few nights, I have been more of a 'twighlight sleeper'...that is never achieving a deep sleep, and thus waking up briefly with every toss and turn, and sound outside. Seems that everyone is having dreams lately...that is a few of the Blogs I have been reading, and I am no exception. While some experience nightmares, others sexual, I had one this morning that was neither pleasant or unpleasant but brought back some latent memories of my first childhood crush. Laura was a sweet looking blonde girl I shared my 5th grade class with. Now I realize that 5th grade was a long time ago, but I had puppy-love. Even at that age, Laura and I had a flirtatious liking for each other, but my whole 'daring' expression of my like for her was to follow her around the playground at lunch and recess. Laura liked me too, and we continued this silly crush through 6th grade, and then on to Jr. High. In 7th grade, things began to change. Laura was starting to 'develop' if you will, and her baby fat was disapearing. She began wearing makeup, and other boys began to take note. I too began to change, physically....but not mentally or maturity wise, which was my eventual downfall with her. Even in 7th grade, I was extremely shy and unsure of myself with the opposite sex. I knew I liked Laura, probably even loved her. But the best I could do was to give her cards on her birthday or Valentines. I used to meet her at the dances and I was (and still am a good dancer), but because I was in-experienced with girls, or never had 'the' talk with my parents, the most Laura and I ever did was slow dance together and hold hands occasionally....That's right we never even tried to kiss. Looking back, I can now understand why 8th grade was so difficult for her and me. I think Laura noticed her friends were also having interests in boys, and they would hold hands at lunch, and even 'kiss'....a big thing back then. As her body continued to develop, she attracted more and more guys, and by comparison to me they were more interesting and had that 'bad boy' edge. They were surfers, they were BMX'ers, they were tough boys with tough attitudes, where I was still wearing penny-loafers, IZOD shirts, and read books. So it was painful the day Laura broke up with me. I use the term 'Broke Up' loosely, as because I was so shy towards her, it was very difficult to say I was really dating her. I was crushed, and I cried, and I had pain that lasted weeks. What could I do to change? What ever it was, was going to be too little too late, as Laura started hanging out with a surfer kid. I had no disdain for him, I was not angry at him. I wasn't angry at her. I was hurt, and I blamed myself. I took no chances and she was tired of it. I was a bookworm who liked movies and that was afraid to kiss her....And other boys weren't. Those last two dances of my 8th grade year were horrible. There were other girls who thought I was cute and even told me they wanted to 'date' me, but they weren't Laura. And if I screwed that up and hurt like this, then what was I gonna do with them that would be any better or last any longer. Highschool started and becuase of were we lived, we went to different schools. It was a blessing. I was still always interested in her, but out of sight...out of mind. When I was 16 I got my driver's license, and maybe life moved on. It was the summer of my junior-senior year, and I ran into Laura one fateful day. All pain returned in an instant, memories of thinsg left un-said. The worst part...she looked great. Better than great. She was 17 and hot! She was skinny, and tan, her body had developed and her fashion sense was very electric...I was in love all over again, and this time I knew it was my 1st love. My true, pure, innocent, soul-wrenching love. I asked her out. She accepted. But later I was to learn she just wanted to catch up with an old friend, nothing more. I took her to the movies, I bought her little gifts, I tried to call and be more attentive.....She was polite, but the spark I felt for her wasn't returned. It was one night on one of 'my' dates, that she told me...."Nate, uh...I don't want to give you the wrong impression...I like you....as a friend...I am still seeing someone else". Crushed again 5 years later. I sucked it up, and smiled, and nodded my head. I dropped her off...no kiss at all 5 years later. I drove home with thoughts of self pity and self loathing again. I'm still not 'bad boy' enough. I'm just mister nice guy, nothing else....I'm boring. I cried yet again. So where am I going with all this? My dream. I ran into Laura again about a 2 years ago by accident at a local bar. She moved within miles of me and had since been married. I met her husabnd. He hopefully is and most likely a very nice guy, who treats her well and must have touched her soul...for that I am happy, becuase he sure wasn't much to look at. And I can identify other handsome males and not feel threatened anymore. He was there and shook my hand, with his pot-belly and scruffy beard. There I was, just stopped in after the gym, in good shape and noted the look of surprise on her face as she saw the 'new, bigger, and buffer' Nate. But in the end that didn't matter, nor should it. And she still looked great. ANYWAY.....I had a dream this morning, and when I woke up I am obviously still fixated on it and on her. I dreamed in this warm weather she was at my house. Laura was standing there...tan...white blouse, white khaki pants, and open toed sandals. We spoke...but really about nothing in general. I just know in my heart, I ached. I ached for someone I had a crush on when I was in 5th grade, over 20 years ago. Some one I tried to date again to no avail when I was 17. Who I ran into 2 years ago at a bar. How can I be in-love with someone I never kissed. Never traeted as a girlfriend. Too shy to look at and admit my feelings for her. Boy, times have changed....I'm a bad boy at times. Sometimes I feel guilty, most of the time I don't any longer. I've made my choices and some of them I have to live with. I've been hurt, and I've been used. So turn-around is fair play...isn't it? When I think about it like this....no, it isn't. What is really sad is that 'Love' left my vocabulary a few years ago...hence this blog...and hence some of my adventures. I do have feelings for people, sometimes more intnese than others. I have feelings for April. I have had unemotional-flings with Raina, SexyXOXO, and many others I have written about. I don't want to dream this dream anymore.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Return of the Bloat Monster 

Maybe it's just the weather, or maybe it is just the food, but I just feel 'here'. My weekend was not anything special. Had some friends over like I planned, but the weather was pretty warm which I think zapped the energy right out of us. I had a few beers, and felt like I was gonna explode from the carbination. The food we all had was relatively salty too, and yesterday when I woke up, I just felt swollen all over. I kept drinking water all day, partly due to the heat, partly due to flush my system, partly because nothing else sounded good. There was a lot of TV viewing this weekend, and alot of cleaning the house and bills. I also didn't get any....April was on her exclamation point this week. Unless you count my dream: April was sitting on my couch in a robe and I was next to her watching TV. I noticed that it appeared she was wearing nothing on under the robe, so I made my way onto the floor in front of her as she sat. While on my own knees, I gave her a grin and using my hands I spread open her legs and robe and it was revealed she was indeed wearing nothing. It was mere seconds before I was going down on her and enjoying every lick. She aided my handiwork by using her own hands to pull herself apart wider and keep her own balance all while talking dirty to me. It turned me on soooo much and it was sooo realistic!! She allowed me to place a finger inside her, then two, all the while I was still orally pleasing her. I then noticed how tan she was and bald below. After a few more minutes of this I removed my fingers, and she scolded me and told me to place them lower. Even in my dream I recall being puzzled, until I realized what she wanted. I placed a solo finger on her anus and very slowly puched it in to the first knuckle where within a few moments of this her dirty talk was more intense and she finally came to orgasm. I know how turned on I was, and this point and she demanded I shift my weight back on my haunches. She got off the couch and kneeled down now in front of me, pulling my sweats halfway down my legs to reveal my self standing at full mast. She then returned the favor of going down on me and said something she never said in real life, then again, no one has said this to me in real life this bluntly: "Fuck my mouth".....I did, and from my point of view it was very graphic...I could feel myself holding her head as I moved in sync with her....and just when it was getting good for me.... I WOKE UP!!!!! Damn! It was that moment in time where a couple of thinsg happened in my mind: 1) I was bummed it was over and angry I woke up. 2) I realized it was indeed a dream and not real. 3) I was suprised that my mind used that language and anal play with her. 4) Even though I was by myself, I was totally embarrased for I woke up with major wood and nothing to show for it. But I guess in a way I did wakeup, or else Nate would be doing an extra load of laundry including sheets and skivvies.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Paris Hilton...Reduex 

Commentary.... First read this story from CNN online regarding Paris Hilton. So it appears, that the infamous tape, shot by one ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon will make a re-debut with more footage of....Paris...in a nightclub....Uhhh....drinking I guess. He was getting $50 for that? I saw a little 2" by 2" 10 minute clip on the Internet when it was a big deal....and believe you me...it wasn't that big of a deal. Surely not $50 worth, let alone $5. Even with night-vision it was still hard to make out at times, though somewhat salacious. Speaking of the porn itself, I guess it was okay if you're into peeking through windows....I mean no closeups, no color, no money shot, fuzzy, grainy does not make a $50 porn tape. Granted it's Paris, and even though she appears to be as smart and energetic as a box of rocks (that is me commenting on her by wathcing the simple life), she is good looking. Anyway, the new video is 38 minutes. Well if it is anything like the previous 15 minutes video, then I don't see what the next 23 minutes is goona do for ya. Will I get it? Uh....No. Will I rent it? No again. If a friend has it and willing to share...sure I'll watch it. What I think is strange is they were both suing each other just a few months ago, then supposedly both dropped charges and made nicey-nice. But I wouldn't be surprised if she sues him again, and he deserves it. What a slime ball. Shhhhh..Now turn of the lights...I don't wanna miss this..

Radio @ Netscape....I take it all back. 

Rant Corporate whores!! I've been listening to Spinner.com FOREVER, and I love my stations. Then about 2 years ago, Spinner sold its soul to Netscape, and then became Radio@Netscape. Then yesterday they updated their front end client, which I just advertised to you all in my morning blog. I was listening innocently for the last hour or so, when it stopped and I received the following message: "You have reached the limit of your free listening today. If you'd like to continue uniterrupted, please sign up at......for a fee" WHAT????? They now charge after an hour and half? So I click on over to the link and read the explanation on whyt they have decided to charge after your 'daily' free time is up: "We here at Netscape..blah...blah..blah...pay our content providors for use of their music....blah...blah...blah...to make sure artists get paid royalties....blah...blah....blah" Yeah Right! I've been listening for like 4 years, and today, artsists who probably haven't ever heard of Spinner are now worried about royalties on April 23, 2004? Why can otehr Internet stations not charge.....oh.....wait....I see...Netscape is now in bed with AOL. Sure, now that AOL has it's hands in the mix, there's a price tag. Figures. What.....Missy Elliot couldn't get afford anpother gold statue where she needs my nickle royalty? DAMN YOU AOL, AND YOU CORPORATE WHORES....ONCE YOU FIGURE SOMETHING IS COOL TO THE PUBLIC.....YOU FIGURE OUT A WAY TO CHARGE THEM FOR IT. ::catching breath and sitting silent in disgust::

Jonesing for coffee 

My Lord.....Yesterday was so busy. 180 degrees opposite from Wed., from which I sat and twiddled my thumbs half the day. In my line of work, there is no discernable patterns as to when I will be busy, or when I will count ceiling tiles. But yesterday was off the charts as far as similar issues all happening at once. It seems my new fellow employees took out all their aggressions on their equipment, for I was running around all day fixing things for them. What was odd it was the same equipment in question, but every issue was totally different from the ones I would just finish repairing. Talk about multi-tasking! Before I knew it the day was over, and I guess I was totally amped because I had a second wind of energy that led me to the gym. Spent an hour at the gym working chest and triceps, came home cleaned the kitchen, and then still had energy after my shower to jump on my computer download some new .mp3's, update some programs with patches, and general PC maintenance. Afterwards I made an awesome dinner and sat down in front of the boob tube until around 10pm where I knew it would be a matter of time before Mr. Sandman would begin throwing sandbags at my eyes. So after feeling somewhat renewed this morning, I was craving for caffiene in the biggest way. I really didn't have time to brew my own fresh java at home, so I opted to go to Starbucks down the street. Parked the car, walked in.....F That.....the line was sooooo long. Back in my car and off to work. About 3 blocks from my job there's another Strabucks, so I drove into the lot, cruised by the door, and......Double F That....again the line this time was out the door! What the hell? Did everyone have a rough day yesterday? So I walked into work a few minutes late, not that anyone minds, but had to settle for that crap brown flavored water here they try to pass off as coffee. I guess it will do...I'm such a snob when it comes to coffee...but I knew if I didn't get some caffiene into me....the migrane fairy would be visiting me soon enough. Now I just hope my allergies don't flair up today....it is really windy as well today, and noticeably warmer. Weather man said a heat wave was coming our way. Damn! On that note, I better stock up on the cold beer. Invite some pals over this weekend, maybe BBQ on my patio. Invite April over...Think I can talk her into skinny dipping at the pool? *wink *wink. BTW...if you never heard of Radio@Netscape, check it out. They have a new client that plays commercial free music over the Internet. Like 100+ channels in all these genre's: Nate's top pics: 1. Top Dance.......Thump, thump, thump...Euro style! 2. Americana (the music of America- awesome) 3. Sinatra Style....can't beat 'ole Blue Eyes and Deano 4. Awesome 80's.....get out your thin tie, pastel clothes, and big hair 5. Cuban.....put some salsa in her step....Que Romantica! 6. Jazz/Blues......Chicago style...Where's my bottle of Jack?

Monday, April 19, 2004

Slllooooowwwww 

Okay, boss is outta the country. Seems like either everybody is out sick today or on vacation. I want to play a video game....but can't. Almost time to go to the gym...then home....just to do it all again tomorrow. Read some new blogs. Added Karine (see link to right) and viewed a few others. I'll add them later. This one is for Heidi: "ROOOOOM VROOOOM RRRrrrrGGGGHHHHH" (That was me in Turn 4...I'm impersonating a NASCAR car) Pour me a drink at the Tiki Lounge, and let me invite Adi. Peter from POV, you bring the pics boyo. I want a steak, wrapped in bacon, sprinkled with gorgonzola butter. Accompanied by a a nice red...perhaps a Sangiovese or very mellow Merlot. Then we'll all shoot dice. What you say?

Raina Continued 

True Story It was a summer Friday after work and I had gone home to shower and change. When I get ready for a date (with the idea I may get lucky), I take extra care in getting cleaned up. Spend a few extra minutes on my hair, shaving, a little cologne, trimming my nails, and even picking out just the right clothes. With that said, I hopped back in my car and drove up to see Raina. We had no 'set' plans, but I figured at the very least we'd go get a bite to eat, maybe walk around at a local park, maybe even get a ice cream or coffee. The music in my car set the tone, and had the half hour to myself while driving helped my creative juices flow in what may be in store later that night. Raina lived in an apartment complex with underground parking. That is the three level apartment building sat on top of this parking garage and was gated. Actually her whole place was gated, from the parking garage to every walkway. It wasn't the best neighborhood in town, but it wasn't he worst either. When I finally arrived and pulled up to the entrance, I had to lower my window and punch the code that dials her apartment... "Hello..." "Hey, it's Nathan...I'm here." "Okay, I'm not 100% ready, so I'll open the parking gate. Just find a space and come on up.." With that, the intercom went dead, and the white iron security gate retracted on it's wheels. As I entered the garage, my eyes had to adjsut from teh harsh summer sun outside to the artificial and grim lights of underground parking. Those garages always give me the willies....I've seen to many movies where some crazy person just hangs out looking for easy prey. I know I became instantly alert as my eyes darted in all directions as I turned down my stereo. I finally found a space, pulled in, and popped a Tic-Tac for good measure as I strolled across the quiet garage back to the outside world. Raina lived on the second floor on the backside of her complex, and so I walked the rear alleyway, past some 'questionable' tennants as I finally found the staircase. At that moment I forgot all about late night plans with Raina, and was more interested in now trying to think of a place to drive to once we got outta here. Finally I knocked on her door, and heard the footsteps approach the door as the floor slightly cracked underfoot. Raina was fumbling with the chain as I heard that too scrape against the wood and brass bracket to which it was secured. She opend the door a few inches and her smile instantly warmed my inner being. Her long, straight blond hair and hazel eye and cheery disposition was partially exposed to me, the other half still hidden behind the slighty ajar door. "Come in...", she said as she stepped back out of the way and opend the doorwide to grant me access. I stepped in past her and stood calmly in the foyer looking into her apartment, taking it all in. I heard the door close behind me, and then Raina came up behind me to place her hand first on my shoulders, then she she leaned in and placed her arms abiut my waist and leaned her head on my back. I think I savored the moment as I really didn't move at first, but lowered my own hands to embrace her arms around my waist. I just took in her apartment for the first time really though I had been here a few times before.....but it was usually just a pickup, a dropoff, or too dark to really take stock in anything. Finally I turned to face her. I stepped back to look at her...and even though the whole motion took but brief seconds...this is what I saw: Raina stood before me in very tight new denim jeans. The material hugged her skinny and tall legs from the knees up and showed just how petite her waistline really was. She had on no shoes, nor socks, as the cuffs of her jeans exposed her pale ankles. Her midriff was showing as well as her naked arms, for she was wearing a ribbed tank-top looking sweater. It too, despite a little bulk to the fabric, was relatively tight and I could tell she had no bra on. Her blond hair was worn straight and very symmetric touching her shoulders. She had had on no makeup, other than the wet sheen of clear lipgloss. Her hazel eyes looked back at me from her pale face, and any natural color was that of her blushing slightly, most likely a little embarrased that I was looking at her intently. Now I knwo I have shared this with you before....but there is just something about a nice pair of fitted denim jeans that really gets me worked up....and her waist, hips, and thighs were just poured into these. It also helped she was wearing a pure white top with no bra... "You look great", I said. With that, she smiled even a little wider (if even possible), and then stepped into me and gave me one of the most heartfelt and passionate deep kisses I can ever remember. It was almost like having that 'first' kiss all over again, and made me feel so good inside. Not just the kiss and the tongue play itself, but the way Raina put one are around my body and the other around the back of my head, and pulled me into her, or she pulling herself into me. The feeling of her body weight pressed up against me was just electric, and every thought of leaving the house vanished from my mind. To be continued.....

Monday, April 12, 2004

This past week... 

Seems I have run into a few problems this week: 1) 1st and foremost, my blogger has had some diffiuclties posting...i.e. I have already lost a few updates that said 'successful', but obviously weren't. 2) My mood. I really haev to be in the mood for a decent blog, and sometimes when I'm tired, or something else is going on I experience "writers block", or just not in the mood to bare my soul. Thsi past week was case in point. My job is going very swimmingly...I am learning a lot, the environment is much better than my previous place of employment, and I feel much more of a team spirit. My peers here are very friendly and that makes for a pleasant experience. But I've been very tired as of late because of the new job. I am learning so much and I am multi-tasking that by the time I come home, I ready for bed. I've been sleeping pretty well this past week. Almost too well....I do my heaviest sleeping between 5am and 7am, so when I get up at 6:15, I am having some trouble getting motivated. Spent Easter morning with my parents yesterday. It was nice...we exchanged gifts. Then I spent the evening hours with April and her family. She asked me to attend their family gathering, which I accepted, but didn't know what I was getting myself into. I've been around her family before, and I get along very well with all her relatives. Her father especially likes me,....but Easter dinner was a little much for me. Everyone was there. I was a bit overwhelmed by the cousins, grandkids, uncles, aunts, siblings, friends....and of course the drama between a few relatives. It made for a long day. April's Easter dinner was like 7 hours long!!! I was bored and ready to go after 4 hours, but I stuck it out for April. The small talk just about killed me....Everyone means well,...but sometimes inane talk especially when I am tired just burns me out further. I finally left solo sometime after 10pm which was okay, but April owes me.....Big Time....I woke up feeling pretty randy this morning. Also, I came across a beautiful woman on teh net I'm going to share with you. She has a very interesting 'bio' page, and hoes into detail on why she doesn't do 'hardcore' shoots. Her style is more 'R' & 'X' rated than 'XXX', and she comes across as a very intelligent person....a big turn on for me. And the fact that she is extremely beautiful helps too, but I won't shell out $20 bucks for Playboy shots (Though I was lucky to see revealing shots of her at another site which don't give her homesite justice). Check out Wendy June for more.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Introducing Raina 

True Story This little installment is in reference to a torrid little work related affair I had about a decade ago. I'm not sure why all of a sudden I thought of Raina...oh wait, I take that back.....I was cleaning out my home this weekend and I came across a shoebox of old photos. Nothing risque, but a collection of random images over the years including parties, holiday's, weddings, vacations, etc.. Raina was in one of the pictures, and even though I'd like to say I never forget any of my encounters,....I'll admit that Raina has escaped my mid for some time....well it has been 10 years. Raina was an attractive skinny blond girl I had met through work. She started out as a temp in another department, and I guess I never really noticed her at first. But within weeks I guess we started stealing glances at each other and eventually we went out. My job at the time was very strict about work relationships...I.E. it wasn't allowed, and by whose authority never knew, and what could they do?....Fire you? Not sure, but we had to keep our fliration on the sly, and the fact that at one point we were actually dating had to keep it from our fellow co-workers. Anyway, like I said, Raina was attractive in a plain sorta way. She didn't wear much makeup at all...maybe some lip gloss, and the occasional blush and mascara. She was a few years older than me, probably an 'A' cup bordering on 'B', but I'm more a waist man anyway. She was also kinda pale...that is she never made it out in the sun very often which probably promoted her nice skin, though I tend tolike some color...it just looks....healthier. After a few dates....nothing really special....lunch here, dinner there I learned more about her. She was previously married, but seemed more like a crazy , spontaneous marriage of convenience, moreso than love and long lasting commitment. She was young and lost in the world, he was a bit older (and probably looking for a young playmate). From what I understood he was kinda into the occult, which bugs me anyway. Nothing scary, but Raina began believing in 'Astral Projection'. If you don't know what Astral Projection is....it's the belief that you can put yourself into a trance-like state and have your 'soul' willingly leave your physical body and cruise around into the spiritual realm and look down upon the earth, and your friends, and blah, blah, blah... Eerie to say the least and nothing I really want to be mixed up in. Long story short, they eventually divorced and she moved into a low rent apartment and was living more or less paycheck to paycheck because of her 'temp' status and no other recent solid jobs before that. (How do I find these people?). So our dating progressed and I'm not sure if we were boyfriend/girlfriend or what. I was reluctant because of her lack of direction, recent divorce, neighboorhood and some other mitigating factors....but we did enjoy each other in many ways: friendship, jokes, spontaneity, and sex. It was very common for me to drive us places, and on more than occasion late at night as I was driving back to her apartment she would lean over from the passenger seat and sample me orally....which she would get a big kick out of it since I had my eyes on the road and hands on the wheel. I also used to like the fact she wore a lot of tight denim jeans and was probably the first women that I was with that wore thongs on a regular basis. And I guess for the fact that she was okay with her small breasts, Raina often wore tight sports tops with no bra underneath. It made for easy groping on my behalf, and sorta sexy when she wore T-shirts about the house... So that's 'Introducing Raina'....and I figure a good background starting point for my next story on her... To be continued......

Friday, April 02, 2004

Morning Smells 

Commentary... Don't let the title of this entry make you cringe. It's smells in the good way. This morning I slept in a few extra minutes, not much, but alas knew I'd be a few minutes late to work. So I decided to take advantage of the situation...I already knew I was late, so at this point what is five more minutes. I was jonesing for coffee, so I pulled into the local Starbucks. You really can't comprehend this unless you are an avid coffee drinker like myself, but the smell of freshly ground coffee (I mean from the actual bean, not some vacuum sealed tin can) with its naturals oils wafting in the air is somewhat orgasmic. Like Pavlov's dog, my jowels began to salivate with anticipations that they would be washed over with God's natural Columbian stimulant. If that wasn't enough....there was also another site to behold. In the venacular, most people would call her a 'MILF' (Mother I'd Like to _uck). Mid 40's, nicely sculpted face, bright blue eyes behind her glasses, nicely coiffed dirt blong hair.....and the coup de gras?....tight denim jeans and a rugged suede blouse that just screamed "I want the ranch hand to take me to the barn when the husband leaves". But the vision/fantasy is only one part.....it was also the smell. We walked past each other outside....it aided that the air was crisp and cool and clean....but the mixture of faintly applied perfume and the smell of freshly shampoo'ed hair, and even lightly applied makeup made me forget my surrounding for a second as I closed my eyes to savor the moment on the sidewalk. Okay, that may sound resoundingly weird and strange....but doesn't the clean smell of someone in the morning bring back favorable memories (that is if you have them). I think I was transported in that one moment of a few of my girlfriends that I have had the pleasure of waking up to the next morning and watching them shower and dress. Watching them apply makeup, place on their bra and panties, getting dressed, fixing their hair....all in the afterglow of the evening before's sexual activities. I could get lost in that smell.....

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